EVERYONE who reblogs this will be insulted in Shakespearean fashion.
I am so looking forward to this …
I GOT MINE BEING INSULTED HAS MADE MY NIGHT
SHES NOT JOKING
My mind is ready!
ok guys so i need to clean out my gif folder but i have some gems in here so heres what im gonna fo
the first 3337 people to reblog this will get a totally random gif in their inbox
obviously if you dont have your submission box open i cant send you one but ill drop you an ask saying it wasnt open
if i have a gif that goes with your blog i may give you that one
I will do this until im out of gifs to give
ga-ladriel asked: I found you. Mwahahahahah~ - w/ luff, Kathy
I had not realized you followed me on Tumblr. And I haven’t e slightest idea how…
I think it’s safe so assume that everyone knows I dropped Drumline after what I am sure was an injustice and the lack of support from those whom I thought were my closest friends.
I’ve used the word traumatic to describe that event.
Now I know what you’re thinking! “Oh, she’s still on about this? Why doesn’t she just get over it? It wasn’t even bad, there are people with worse problems.”
Well no shit, it’s caused me to stay quiet about a bunch of things. But this event caused me to be sent to [insert very personal memory, place, something that traumatized me enough to stop going to the therapist and never want to remember it again] and therapist/psychiatrist, so I’ve been told that I am better off talking about it.
My assumption up in the title there stemmed from the fact that I’ve been having nightmares lately, relieving the event, making up happy memories only for them to be torn away the second I woke up when I realized my real life is not happy. I’m not sleeping enough, I keep relieving the event over and over again, and I just cannot stop having anxiety attacks.
When [name withheld] ran her hand through my hair a few days ago as she told my friend she thought her hair would be as short as mine, I lost it. I started shaking with rage and I was containing myself the best way I could, which was to let tears fall, and not violence which is my nature, but since my early childhood years, I’ve learned to calm that down. She had the nerves to pick at my hair again.
A year and a half, she will not stop trying to talk to me, and still has my name in her mouth. No, she is not being the better person, after the second let down, I have come to realize that [name withheld] happens to be a shitty person. Trying to goad a reaction out of me.
After that, I quietly slipped out of her house(she’s family to my closest friend so I was here for her and not for [name withheld]) so I couldn’t say or do anything in her own home. I sent a snapchat to my friend telling her I was tired and I would wait in the car. Reality is, I want to my car, sent the snapchat, closed all the windows, and broke down. Every painful, angry, and sad scream came out of my mouth from the deepest confines of my should. As much as I hate her, I am not disrespectful to the point where I confront someone in their own home. I handled my business myself.
The fact that I would still do that, less frequently but feel the same, maybe more, pain that I felt the day the event happened is baffling.
The fact that I have nightmares.
Nightmares as I sleep and nightmares the second I wake.
Depression, anxiety, PTSD, whatever the fuck you would be pleased to call it, it’s all very real. They’re diseases, viruses, and syndromes. You can control them about as much as you can control cancer. If you’re lucky or careful, you won’t get it. If something triggers it, you will. If it’s just in your genes, as it is with me, it happens no matter how happy and blessed you can be.
It will bring you down, because it’s very real. It is not only emotional, but chemical.
I am only very lucky that whatever thoughts, emotion, or nightmare that plague me at the moment, can be hidden until I can release it at my own time and place. Sometimes it overflows and it happens, but that has been a while since it has tipped over without me catching it.
If I let everything get to my and settled with the easiest solution that popped into my head, I would have unfriended a bunch of people and just stopped talking to practically everyone. Probably would have successfully killed myself off by now. But I don’t. Yes, I complain about how I feel but it’s because I feel like I don’t deserve to have complete suffering because of a stupid disorder or disease. But shit happens. And there is no full understanding as to what it is exactly, so I get pegged as being emotional and being a baby. To which my brother feels the need to tell me to quit bitching on my statuses. Or being talked about behind me back about me crying (an emotional breakdown) is something people should ignore so I learn not to do it. I can’t help how I feel. I really can’t. There are some days where I can be sitting in class reading my book and a shuddering chill runs through me and I feel unsettled while the pressure builds in my face to indicate that a sudden flood of tears will come. Do I get to talk about it? No, not really. Last I tried, I got sent to a fucking mental hospital. If i were to say how I feel, that’s what I fear. Do I have anyone to talk about it with? Not really. Sometimes I try, but what I need is closure, progress, and/or action. I don’t feel that ignoring it or controlling my emotions by hiding them is the way to go. But at the same time, I can’t be healed because it’s a part of me regardless of how much talking I do and how much medication I take. Just like a person with anxiety or schizophrenia, it will always be there. Anything negative happens to me 10-fold. Anything positive doesn’t affect me much. No one knows how their actions affect me. Sometimes I’m able to understand, sometimes not.
Anyway, if you read it all, I’m sorry.
People tell me I should talk more, about what bothers me and what’s going on. At the same time, I get told that no one cares, that they’re just kid problems, blahblahblah.
When my secrets, are secrets that belong to other people too, is it right and just to talk about it when it feels like everything is going wrong because people don’t know? It feels like the weight of the world is on my shoulders, should I not tell anyone what I feel to keep my position safe? Or tell and suffer even more harassment, only from a different set of people?
I’ve never had regrets, until January of this year. I have enough regrets to last me a life time.
I need somewhere to go, somewhere to be, something to want, and something to do, because it’s all driving me crazy. Does anyone understand?
To those few I have trusted with my secrets, tell me I shouldn’t let any of it get to me. But it’s difficult when you’re constantly misinterpreted, and harassed, and put down. No one can withstand so many cannonballs, not even the strongest stone and iron castle. It’s only a matter of how long?
I admit, earlier last month, I did attempt suicide, twas almost successful. But what made me tell my mother what I had done, was not because I wanted to live, it was because I thought about what it is that people would do without me. Not poetic at all, I seriously thought about who it is my best friend was going to talk to, or who’s hand my mom’s going to be holding when she falls asleep, or who’s going to learn all the things my brothers learned if they don’t have children of their own?
I do not fear death, I do not avoid it.
I do not care for myself, I do not care about what I do.
So long as my hunt goes on for something that will ease or end my emotional, mental, and sometimes physical suffering I will be around to keep my place with others, but not for me, for them.
A misunderstanding, a betrayal, and a regret has very much crushed what I had to be somewhat happy.
So do I stick around to prove others wrong?
Or should I quit to keep me from losing it emotionally and mentally?
Speaking about these problems never helped, I don’t know how. Maybe I’m too logical, I search for answers and solutions, not just to spit out my problems and have someone tell me some textbook advice.
I’m so tired. I don’t think anyone knows the meaning of tired when you’ve been tested like I have.
Which brings me to another point, depression is misunderstood. Just because a problem can be small, does not mean it is nothing. Problems affect everyone differently no matter how big or small.
It annoys the shit out of me how I can’t seem to handle my crap. Not everyone is strong! NOT EVERYONE IS STRONG!
People who are successful in taking their lives are examples of that.
People who are successful in solving the same problems are also examples.
Sometimes, you’re just born weak, which I was, unfortunately.
I still break down, scream and cry, sometimes I can’t remember what I did, only I feel the very horrible pain in my soul. You do not know pain until you’ve felt it in your soul.
I wish I didn’t sound like such an emo chick but really, I know what it is like to be misunderstood.
Way too many times have I felt a lack of a will to live. With the people who are supposed to be my protectors, my comfort, my life, are the ones who are destroying me, abandoning me, and killing me. Sounds pretty dark eh? I’m just tired, all I want is peace. In my mind, family, y’know. I’m just so tired. You can’t explain away everything that’s happened in the last year or so by saying it’s just a period of life that you’re going through. Blah, crap. I’m really tired. I don’t know, I don’t know who to talk to anymore, and by who, I mean of those group of people that can help me. I’m so tired, I wish this could go away. I don’t know where else to put this.
I just don’t like it when people fuck with my mind. I’m not okay
It’s impossible for me to be normal because I am a mentally damaged person. I can’t go a week without feeling the shakes, pre-symptoms of or actually going through a mental/emotional break down.
But constantly, I am forced to that line, and pushed across it, and made to sit there until I can crawl my way back by myself.
But I’ve come so close, to suicide I mean. I don’t ATTEMPT any of it but the thoughts are becoming more vivid. Carrying out a plan now, instead of what I’ve done all my life is imagine me already gone. I’m afraid, my brothers mean the world to me but to them I’m just being a teenager.
I’m not sure how I can deal with negativity. Every time I experience the stress of disappointment or unpleasantness I start having an anxiety attack.
What the fuck was I saying?
Oh yeah, I’m just a bit jarred. I need to relax, I’m not doing well in school… life.
It feels like no one is here. They listen, that’s cool, but I can’t do much with talking my head off with what’s wrong with my day, I need help
I need guidance, I need advice, I need a solution.
Not someone to listen to the problem, but someone who can help fix the problem.
I’m starting to lose passion for things I once loved, the things that relaxed me when a traumatic event happens, but more and more I am becoming numb to positive things. I haven’t felt truly happy in a long time.
I’m just really tired.
AND WHY DONT I REMEMBER SOME OF YOU FOLLOWING ME?! D:
I’m not saying I wanna commit suicide, it’s far from that, so klam down.
I just feel tired and I don’t feel like doing anything. I’m pissed off and full of hate almost every day and most of the times I just wanna pause time and just stop living life for a while, then I can just get back into my body and press play on my life and continue on with it when I’m feeling better. Though I don’t think anyone understands how much this harassment and loneliness has affected me.
I think people should stop laughing and realize that I’m not sad, or just hurting right now.
I’m actually medically depressed, and this sonofabitch coach and his piece of shit drumline have successfully set off a whole new world of pain and misery for me and they don’t give a fuck and now I have to go to therapy and probably get on some pills for depression and anxiety again.
Like, who enjoys doing that to people? Do you like destroying their lives?
I don’t think I’d do that to an enemy. Maybe hurt them but not bad enough to send them to the hospital for something worse like clinical depression or even suicide. This isn’t the first time. But I gotta talk something out with someone, because what’s going on in my head is scaring me…